Anyway, on Saturday's I work at a library and one book I kept seeing around was a novel called Gil's All Fright Diner by a Mr. A. Lee Martinez. Now, being a man who loves a pun, I picked it up and gave the back a read, and honestly, it had me at "jailbait sorceress."

So, I read Gil's All Fright Diner and surprisingly, I loved it. And, as is normal when I love something, I did some research on the creator. Turns out Mr. Martinez, or Lee as he concludes his email, is a best selling author, and has written a half dozen books besides the aforementioned one. He also turns out to be a huge comic book (don't you dare call them graphic novels) and Tarzan fan.

At this point how could I not ask him to do our 20 Questions? Mr. Martinez was kind enough to agree, so here's my questions and his answers. Be sure to check out his website at www.aleemartinez.com.

I believe Frank Miller is a terrible writer, and I have said so publicly on more than one occasion. Now I doubt that Miller has even heard of me, and I doubt even more that if he has that he cares what I have to say (nor really should he), but in the off chance he has and he does then it'd probably be better to avoid him.

Alan Moore seems like a decent fellow, but he is responsible, directly or indirectly, for much of what I despise about modern comics. Even he admits this. And so I'd probably pass on him too.

I have never read anything by Mike Allred, but at least this spares me the embarrassment of having commented on it in any way. So I guess Allred it is.

2. Who would win in a fight between Batman and Superman? Yes, I'm one of those guys.

Logically, Superman. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. Although if Batman had kryptonite it might help, but it wouldn't make a difference. Because almost every villain who goes after Superman usually gets the stuff at some point and Superman is still standing. So that's gotta tell you something.

Of course, logic and comics are only nodding acquaintances, so it's entirely believable for Batman to beat Superman in a fight. Just depends on how it's written. So I can't really give the advantage to either. But that's a cop out answer, and I am not one to shy away from controversial questions. So who would win in a fight between Batman and Superman?

Tarzan.

3. Is it just me or does the quality of writing in the Tarzan series by Burroughs seem to drop off after Tarzan of the Apes? As in, the first book feels like literature and the rest of the series feels like pulp fiction (not that there's anything wrong with pulp).

It's just you. Tarzan started as pulp and remained pulp. The mistake here is assuming that pulp and literature are mutually exclusive. They're not, and while not all great literature is great pulp, all great pulp is great literature.

4. Why are vampires so inherently gay and touchy-feely now-a-days?

Because Anne Rice says so. The vampire archetype has always been a reflection of popular culture and perceptions. The modern vampire character has little, if anything, to do with the original folklore. This isn't a bad thing. As society and the collective myths of the Terran species continue to evolve, so must our stories and legends. That's just the way of the world, and I'm sure in another 100 years vampires will be something else entirely. See? I can sound like a real writer sometimes.

Actually, it's because vampires look like people more than most monsters, so if you're going to romanticize a kind of monster, vampires were at the top of a very short list. Nobody wants to publish my Gill-man romance novel, "Passion from the Black Lagoon" for example. Even though there's a very beautiful scene where the Gill-man takes his lady love back to his undersea cave and proceeds to tenderly fertilize her eggs. It is perhaps the most sensual love scene ever written, but alas, people would rather read about immortals who throw temper tantrums than an honest portrayal of monster love. But what'cha gonna do? That's life.

5. Will there ever be another book starring Duke and Earl?

That's an open ended question, isn't it? I can't say no to it. But at this stage, there's not anything in the works. Probably one day though. With the Gil's All-Fright Diner movie in development, it seems more likely that a sequel with the boys would be in the works. Or not. I've toyed with sequel ideas, but most are about the town where Gil's takes place, and don't have Duke or Earl involved in any way. Because I'm contrary like that.

6. If society crumbled, due to a mummy apocalypse or nuclear war or some such thing, would you feel obligated to follow the rules of morality that man has forced upon us. Such as laws about murder, theft and age of consent?

That's a weird question. What am I going to say? No, I'd immediately grow a mohawk, find some football uniforms to put spikes on, and become a road warrior, killing and maiming people with my razor boomerang!

No, I think humans are, if not entirely civilized, more or less a cooperative species. We might not always get along, and we certainly do enjoy fighting amongst ourselves, but we also tend to enjoy rules and regulations and codes of behavior. Even when we wage war, it's built on arbitrary group designations because people like to be in groups and behave in ways that group approves of. Laws against murder, theft, etc, are straightforward and logical, and in place well before the Ten Commandments because it just makes sense to have them.

Anyway, I am, for better or worse, a very ethical person. I don't know if I'd steal someone's food if I was starving because I've never been in that position, but I do know I wouldn't kill people just because I could. Probably because very little is important enough for me to even considering killing someone. So maybe it's not morality. Maybe it's just laziness. Either way, rest assured that when the apocalypse comes, I will not kill you just for your CD collection.

But I will be growing a mohawk and adopting a very fake Australian accent.

7. Do you own a gun? You being from Texas, I would assume that the answer would be yes.

No, I don't. And most people I know don't either. Texans are not as gun crazy as the media might lead you to believe. We also don't all wear bolo ties or cowboy hats either. About the only thing we all do have in common is remembering the Alamo, which we do at least five minutes every hour.

Many Texans don't even believe in using guns as a means of self-defense at this point. Broadswords are becoming increasingly more popular, and for those wealthy enough to afford it, cars that transform into robots beat the hell out of shotguns and pistols. I have a trained falcon that accompanies me at all times, swooping down to claw the eyes out of my enemies at my command. It's easier to aim than a gun, and is good for getting rid of mice too.

8. According to Wikipedia, your novels have been translated into five languages. Can you name all five?

My Wikipedia page hasn't been updated in a while, and not all novels have been translated into all these languages. The languages I do know about are Spanish, German, Italian, Danish, Russian, Chinese, and (I think) Thai. Although I'm not sure about some of those. I just cash the checks when they come.

9. One review I always see for 'Gil's All Fright Diner' uses the word "raunchy" to describe the book. Do you consider it to be "raunchy"?

No, but I don't consider my books to be many of the things they get labeled as. Raunchy to me implies gross out humor, which I'm not a fan of. But my books also get called "Kooky" and "Wacky", which I don't particularly care for either. But then someone sends me a check, and I decide that I don't care. I'm just the writer. My opinion is probably least important anyway.

10. Do you feel the need to shower every day?

Do I NEED to? No. Do I LIKE to? Yes. But if push comes to shove, I can skip a shower and not feel bad about it. I think the longest I've gone is three or four days because I was living in a place where the plumbing was broken. It wasn't terrible, but I was glad when it was finally fixed.

11. Godzilla: hero, anti-hero, villain or force of nature and therefore beyond our definition of good and evil?

Godzilla is each and every one of those things. That's why he is a great character. He can be the bad guy. Or he can be the good guy. Or he can just be the guy stepping on your city. His range as an actor is highly under-appreciated. I think Christian Bale is one of the finest actors working today, but he can't breathe radioactive fire, can he? And King Ghidora would totally stomp Bale. So who is the better actor now, Academy Awards? Just something to consider.

12. If you were approached to write a screenplay for a John Carter movie, would you do it?

That is a tough call because I love John Carter of Mars. I'd love the shot at it, but I'd hate to screw it up. Especially since I am not a screenwriter, and am not confident in my ability to handle that medium properly. But Carter is awesome, and I think my next book might be an homage to the pulpy Martian adventure fiction that we just don't get enough of these days.

13. On your Myspace page you claim to love anything with Kate Beckinsale (rowr) EXCEPT Underworld 1 & 2. Seeing as Kate's buck naked within the first 10 minutes of Underworld 2, how can you not like it? Assuming you look past how stupid of a movie it is.

I don't like goth chicks. I don't like catsuits. I don't like pale, almost white, complexions. And I don't like stringy hair. I'm more of a down-to-earth kind of guy, and if a woman is trying too hard to be sexy, I usually find it off-putting. I'm more of a T-shirt and jeans kind of guy, and it's what I like in my sex symbols too. Although I loved Beckinsale in Van Helsing. But in that film she was Queen of the Gypsies and not an emaciated goth.

No offense to you Goths out there. Different strokes for different folks.

14. In your opinion, what major movie of the last 10 years has made America stupider?

V for Vendetta. Although I suppose that it isn't so much a movie that made us stupid as just showed how easily we can be manipulated by shallow, hypocritical tripe. The movie is supposedly a criticism of Bush's presidency, but it's hero seems to be more one dimensional and ridiculous than Bush ever was. Just for the scene where our "hero" tortures a young girl into loving him the movie deserves to be mocked. Especially since so many people seem to take this at face value. The villains are caricatures (and not even original caricatures). The good guy is a psychopath, and there is nothing redeeming about this film. Which is why it's frustrating to hear about how deep and thoughtful it is.

15. Star Trek, Star Wars or Doctor Who?

Doctor Who? No, thanks.

Star Wars? Meh.

Star Trek? Good enough. Not a huge fan, but I'll watch the show if it's on.

16. How can you hate just about everything on the Sci-Fi (Syfy) Channel? You have to at least like Eureka!

I don't necessarily hate the shows. I just don't like them very much. I think it's because I just don't care for the style of these shows. There's just something so bland about them. I hate to use that word, but it seems appropriate. They're not bad. They're just not distinct, even from each other. Eureka is more fun than Battlestar: Galactica, but it's still just not that much fun. Warehouse 13 was promising, but it just lost my interest. Caprica looks like all the worst parts of Gossip Girl and BSG combined.

I'm also kind of sick of Syfy constantly telling me how cool it is. Every commercial for Sanctuary makes it look kick ass. Then the show starts, and it's mostly actors standing around talking in front of green screens. All the shows seem to think they're amazing when they're mostly just par for the course. So I just give them a pass.

17. What's the best decade for music?

Ah, how I hate music questions. I don't listen to much music. But I like trumpets and trombones. So whenever those were really popular, that was the best decade for music.

18. Was Willow cooler before or after they made her a lesbian?

Neither. Being a lesbian neither increases or decreases coolness. I always thought Willow's lesbian conversion was a bit contrived, but I also really didn't give a damn either way. I find a character's sexuality to be perhaps the least interesting thing about them. Even less so than a character's sex or race. It's not that these can't be important aspects of a character, but they shouldn't be the defining aspect of a character. When I think of WIllow, I think of intelligence, wit, magical powers. And somewhere at the bottom of that list is Jewish, lesbian, women (not necessarily in that order) because they are just not important in understanding who Willow is.

Any character defined primarily as a gay or straight is inherently one-dimensional. And Willow is a great character. She was great before she was gay. She was great after. So whether she kisses boys or girls seems incidental. But maybe that's just me. I can see if you're a gay person wanting more gay characters in media, and that's fine. If WIllow gives gay people someone to relate to then it's cool with me, but it didn't change my perception of the character one iota.

19. Were you a Firefly fan?

Meh. Firefly was interesting. Might even have been good if it'd been given a chance, but it just wasn't on long enough to warrant the devotion it's received. On the other hand, I get why fans want to like it. It was a decent show, and people are always clamoring for something new and exciting to feel is their own. That's not always easy considering how often we're just given old ideas repackaged. It's why I think Harry Potter become so popular. The books are good, but it's also something that a generation can feel like they discovered. It feels like it's theirs and not just a hand-me-down.

Films like the new Star Trek and Transformers will always have a hard time making the same impression on those eager to find their own identity. These films did great, but I don't know if they'll have the staying power of Potter because Potter feels like it belongs to an entire generation of fans.

So Firefly always feels to me like a group of fans wanting it to be their Star Trek, their X-Files. Nothing wrong with that, but I just don't know if wanting it bad enough can make it so.

But for me, Firefly is an outer space show that didn't have aliens in it. So I'm just not that into it.

20. Would you rather lose your tongue or both of your feet?

What a pleasant question to end on.

Tongue. I like it, but if I lost it, I could still communicate with the world. But losing my feet and my mobility would just make everything I take for granted so much harder. Losing my tongue wouldn't be fun, but if I carry a notepad and a pen, I'm covered for the most part. I already know a bit of sign language so I'm a step ahead if it comes down to it.