I've spent the last few minutes trying to segue from my disdainful rant into a review for The Revenge of the Teenage Vixens From Outer Space.

I've got nothing . . .

Having been the recipients of a misdirected teen magazine, the titular-vixens of TROFTVFOS, as it's known on the street, descend onto a small 1980's community. (The town and state may have been mentioned at some point, but I was probably distracted.) The residents of this (most likely) nameless setting enjoy an existence fraught with ease. The adults are sparse. The youth spend their nights drinking in fields. And the local DJ uses the radio station as a means to relay frequent reminders to his sister - and our protagonist - Mia.*

The vixens have come to Earth out of intrigue by the manner in which youth culture was depicited in the ill-sent magazine. Also, the vixens have come for sex. Sadly, the parrallels between the vixens and Eastern European immigrants end there. Mia helps acclimate the strangers into the daily grind of High School. They soon shed Mia, embarking into the social abyss on their own. Much like Paris and Nicole in any episode of The Simple Life, the vixens leave a wide swarth of sexual devistation in their wake. The teenage boys, sans nerds, revel in the newfound sexfest. The native girls go ignored. Their budding figures and stilted delivery are no match for the curvacious vixens and their stilted delivery. Rejection leads to anger. Soon, the girls conspire to eliminate these strange women.

Against this backdrop of teenage sexual anarchy, Mia is developing a romance with Jason. Jason is a quasi-Jedi sweetheart. Sure, he has a bushy afro. Sure, he's kind of pudgy and rides a bike, meaning the folds in his thighs have to smell godawful. So what if he wears a kruggerand that Bob Guccione and any NFL cornerback would refer to as gawdy. When the rest of the boys in the locker room are talking about jamming chicks, Jason keeps shut. Truly, a class-act and gentleman. Together, Mia and Jason act as reason in the midst of chaos.

In any movie littered with juveniles, an adult needs to be the orator of experience and history. In The Last Picture Show, it's Sam the Lion. In Monster Squad, it was the German Guy. Here, we have the local Biology teacher, and single father to Jason, Stan. Stan understands that these vixens bring something more than soft, malleable labia, teased bangs, and an insatiable carnal appetite. There's a history to them. This may help explain the use of 'revenge' in the title. For revenge to transpire, there's usually some backstory. Otherwise, it's just random assault. With his knowledge, Stan rounds out the trifecta. Along with some militray intervention, they must lead the crusade against the vixens.

Revenge of the Teenage Vixens From Outer Space is about homosexuality. In this paradigm, the vixens represent same-sex orientation. This movie is driven by reaction. What happens when a variant sexual lifestyle permeates a rural community? The local girls can't stand to be refused. While they drink alone in the field, the boys are off engaging in something so seemingly impure. The experience not only robs the boys of their innocence, it removes the girls from one of the most critical in adolescent gateways - sex. They endured awkward gropings, meaningless dates, and feigned interest only to be forgotten. When they set out to eliminate the vixens, they're fighting for a return to the norms of their town. Sadly, they're fighting the empirical values of science. Their ideologies are weak against the alien weaponry. The antiquated notions they hold dear leave them in a vegetative state - literally.

Whenever I watch a B-movie, I struggle in trying to figure out if certain creative techniques were employed to cover-up budget restraints, or draw attention to them. Is the string visible as an homage to Ed Wood, or is it a product of poor staging? Luckily, writer-director Jeff Ferrell wears his heart on his sleeve. A car stationed at a bluff is created with miniatures. For what reason? It's an easy shot to pick-up. To create the set and build or locate models is as ardous as it is time-consuming. Ferrell seems to know what he wanted. He had an idea for the look of that shot and used whatever he could to attain his vision. I respect a director who is steadfast and unwilling to compromise. Unfortunately, there isn't more to laud than that. Determination and talent aren't inherently related. Nothing in ROTVFOS demonstrates any particular imagination. And the performances lead me to believe that casting was based on who was standing near the camera when 'ACTION' was called. At the same time, isn't that why we watch B and Z grade movies?

Despite it all, I'd watch The Revenge of the Teenage Vixens From Outer Space over Crystal Skull, any day of the fucking week.

* I forgot most of the names, so I just made them up.